Thursday, January 20, 2011

What am I going to do

with my life?

We've started the process of deciding our next year's schedules and classes. Counselors came into our English classes and discussed the far-too-many options we had for our senior year. They started talking about the SAT's, the timeline until college apps, your junior/senior year summer opportunities, and the end of the road and journey we call high school.

In the process of talking about our classes and college preferences, it occurred to me that everyone seemed to know exactly where they wanted to go and what they wanted to do. Berkeley for premed, engineering, foreign business, architecture...They all seemed to know where their lives were headed.

And I used to think I knew, too. Major in Psych and Premed, LMU for the easy grades, med school and  psychiatrist.

Now I have no idea. For one, I don't think I could manage the 4.0 in college I'd need for med school. I don't think I'd have the self control to take the MCATS, or the brains to manage premed, and I don't think I'd be satisfied at a school that's less than my full potential, or being around people I'm most likely going to feel uncomfortable around (private Catholic schools...ahem, ahem).

And what about my career? I'm the weepiest person I know--I don't think I could listen to people's depressions all day long without either growing a hide and heart of stone to counter the depression, or just becoming a depressed one myself. Who wants a psychiatrist that starts bawling before their patient does? They'd think I'm some emotionally unstable nutcase.

I think my ideal job would be a teacher, honestly. If I weren't so scared of ending up unemployed, and if only I weren't scared of living too much outside my means (spending more than I earn), and if only the relatives wouldn't gossip about my sister's high-powered career as a lawyer in comparison to my humble teaching profession, and oh what a pity that she didn't pursue bigger dreams, she could have done so much more, etc, I think I'd do it. It's one of those fantastical ideas I picture myself living, like going to school in Europe, or even across the country in New York.

But that's not gonna happen. And so I'm left with too many open doors, none of which look appealing, and advice swarming in and out of my ears, and a heart and mind too weak and indecisive to decide anything for myself.

1 comment:

  1. Wish you all the best in your decision.